Saturday, March 12, 2005

Friend With Benefits

I need some advice from the brothers and sisters so bear with me. Two weeks ago, while in Japan, I came across a new cell phone on a chip that is entirely voice activated. It is installed under your armpit. The procedure takes about 2 minutes. It’s a great invention because your fingers don’t have to get involved. You operate it by flicking your arm around. If you flick your arm with style and verve everyone thinks you got the beat. Sophistication plus. Well, enough of that, on with my problem. I have a friend with benefits which is someone with no emotional overhead as far as I’m concerned. Fortunately, both he and I were virgins and weren’t sexually active before meeting in a bar. Both of us had to learn "to do it", as they say so we watched some soft core porno movies. It seems that sex is mostly thrashing around and moaning and groaning. I got pretty good at it. It seems the most popular style is him on top and me underneath thrashing and moaning around. He holds down my arms over my head and then leans forward and snuggles up into my armpit and at that point I make passionate "cuddle" noises. Both of us get lots of exercise and it beats paying big bucks at the gym. He is starting to develop his Abs which is kind of cute. Well finally here’s the problem. I got my telephone bill this week and there are literally several hundred long distance calls to someone called Frankie. The swinehund has been making long distance calls during our friend with benefits session. I’m as mad as hell!!! I’m of several minds!!! Should I break his knob during sex causing a hernia and claiming it was ecstasy passion??? Should I break his arm during snuggling and cuddling??? Finally, should I just be a lady, write it off to experience and ask him to pay the bill because there is no emotion during sex anyway??? Please advise!!! The telephone bill will be overdue next week!!!

1 comment:

city rocker said...

Eeee, I have a few things to say.

#1. To quote my favourite darling Paris Hilton: "That's hot."
#2. Sometimes friends with benefits is much better than the cruel institution of boyfriend-and-girlfriend. I mean, think of it this way. Perhaps he's calling other people (is Frankie a girl or a guy?..but don't get jealous) but at least he is ALLOWED to call other people and so are you! You aren't chained to him like a boat on a dock. You are free to float around and have fun, but you can still have guilt free sex.
#3. Which I need some of. Which brings us to
#4. I have some serious emotional issues which make me only attracted to "bad" guys who aren't interested in me, don't love me, and only want to use me. It's good that I try and stay away from those people, most of the time. If a "good" guy is ever interested in me, I become very disgusted and don't want to be around him at all. Hence the reason that I personally think friends-with-benefits is a good thing and not irresponsible at all.
#5. It's cute that you were both virgins.
#6. It's dumb of me to say that when I am in fact a virgin myself. But for reasons of choice.

P.S. So when you talk on the armpit phone, do you actually lean over and speak into your armpit? I am impressed with the Japanese (mainly their excellent fashion sense and love of kitsch, I apsire to rock the creepy gothic-lolita look one day) but this is just ridiculous.