Monday, March 28, 2005

Some Little Buggers

One of the things that bugged me most about growing up was my parent’s incessantly asking me three questions:

What did you do when you went out?
What did you do today??
What did you learn today???

My life is dull, dull, dull. It has always been dull. I was born dull and dullness is my prime accomplishment in life. I think my life will fill about 3 - ½ page e-mails. That is why those three questions always drove me nuts. In answer to the "What did you do when you went out?" question I’ve wanted to say that "I robbed a bank." or "I held up a candy store." My mother’s response would have been "That’s nice, dear." "What did you do today" was a somewhat harder question. If I had been fast on my feet I’d have said that I had helped Einstein with his equation for nuclear energy or helped Edison with his light bulb. My mother’s response would have been a lecture on why I should help out other’s less fortunate that I. The "What did you learn today?" brought on a slightly different reaction. It would remind me of the time in French Literature Class when the teacher asked me in French "Where did the birds go??" I responded in French that "They had flown south." which had absolutely nothing to with the story. Fortunately, for my self esteem the rest of the class was as dense as I and nobody laughed. My teacher’s were all big forbidding creatures from some world I could never understand and never comprehend. I recall that they all began class by saying "I am the LORD thy God…Thou shalt have no other gods before you for the next 40 minutes!!!

Friday, March 25, 2005

How Do I Know I’ve Grown Up

I can’t smoke any of my houseplants.
2. Having sex in anything less than a Queen Size Bed is out of the question.
3. There is more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when I get up, not when I go to bed.
5. I hear my favorite song in an elevator.
6. I watch the Weather Channel.
7. My friends marry and divorce instead of "making out", "hooking up" or "breaking up."
8. I go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. I'm the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around me.
12. I don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. My car insurance goes down and my car payments go up because I need the comfort.
14. I feed my dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on anything that isn’t a slab makes my back hurt.
16. I take 2 hour naps whether I like it or not.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, my stomach.
19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
20. I actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 22. 90% of the time I spend in front of a computer is for real work.
23. I drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Oh Shit, There Goes The Security System

I was reading somewhere that there is a security system based on the multiplication of Prime Numbers to make a number that isn’t prime. I don’t understand how the security system works, but I assume it is based on the fact that it’s almost impossible to find what Prime Numbers were multiplied to create the number that isn’t prime. A Prime Number is a number that can only be divided evenly by itself and 1. This means that you have to take a number that you suspect is a prime and divide it by every preceding number to see if those preceding numbers divide evenly into the suspected prime. If they don’t divide evenly you have a Prime Number. Thus it can be seen that Prime Numbers can only be calculated by brute force. Unfortunately, for security, Prime Numbers aren’t as random as is supposed. Here is a simple way to calculate any Prime Number:

Every potential prime number ends in a 1, 3, 7 or 9.

Choose any number such as 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 etc. that isn’t a multiple of 3 (i.e.: ignore 6 (3X2), 3 (1X3) etc.).

Take any chosen number such as 11 for instance and break it down into its’ constituents remembering that for a potential prime number the number has to end in 1, 3, 7, 9. Therefore 11, for example, can be broken down into (10 +1), (2+9), (4+7), (8+3) . Remove the (+)’s. The numbers are 101, 29, 47 ,83.

Test the numbers. You will find in this case that 101, 29, 47, and 83 are all prime numbers. Sometimes these numbers aren’t prime.

I have been expounding the idea occasionally in my blog that this universe is being brought to you by the number 3. In this particular case it means that any chosen number can’t contain a whole number which is a multiple of 3. Ain’t God ingenious???

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

God Does KISS

God does kiss when you think about it. God doesn’t like to do any more work than anyone else so he simplified our world through the use of patterns. Our brain makes decisions according to patterns or stereotyping. Most of our jokes in this world rely on the existence of patterns or stereotyping. Every boy or girl joke has a pattern or stereotype about it that causes us to laugh. Management manages through the use of patterns such as "Manage By Exception" which is a high priced way of saying "Do Something when the pattern deviates from itself." Business is organized in hierarchies which is a fancy word for a pattern. Water is always water when its’ ingredients are mixed. God’s 10 Commandments are a pattern. Mathematics has a pattern. Prime numbers have a pattern as they always end in 1, 3, 7, 9 when the prime number is more than one digit. Someone, named Ramanujan, noticed that whole numbers can be broken into sums of smaller numbers, called partitions or patterns. The number 4, for example, contains five partitions or patterns: 4, 3+1, 2+2, 1+1+2, and 1+1+1+1. He further realized that curious patterns - called congruences - occurred for some numbers in that the number of partitions was divisible by the prime numbers 5, 7, and 11. For example, the number of partitions for any number ending in 4 or 9 is divisible by prime number 5. Not only does God love us emotionally but also provides us with Kiss’s. Is this heaven or what?????

Monday, March 21, 2005

Sunday, March 20, 2005


I’ve been reading some of the blogs written by the younger generation. It seems to be "attractive" you have to jump into bed with whomever which has a certain "appeal" when you think about it. The only thing that is keeping most of us in line is the chance of HIV and AIDS. It seems lovemaking is no longer spontaneous because you have to ask your partner if they have the results of their latest "test" handy and if you can see it. Also you have to take one of those rubber cleaning gloves and cut off a finger and put it on your Dick. The glove palm is cut off and jammed up a Vagina. I guess that is the source for the Vagina Monologues. By the time all this protection is over you’ve lost the "mood" or in other words OOPS IT’S GONE AGAIN.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Friend With Benefits

I need some advice from the brothers and sisters so bear with me. Two weeks ago, while in Japan, I came across a new cell phone on a chip that is entirely voice activated. It is installed under your armpit. The procedure takes about 2 minutes. It’s a great invention because your fingers don’t have to get involved. You operate it by flicking your arm around. If you flick your arm with style and verve everyone thinks you got the beat. Sophistication plus. Well, enough of that, on with my problem. I have a friend with benefits which is someone with no emotional overhead as far as I’m concerned. Fortunately, both he and I were virgins and weren’t sexually active before meeting in a bar. Both of us had to learn "to do it", as they say so we watched some soft core porno movies. It seems that sex is mostly thrashing around and moaning and groaning. I got pretty good at it. It seems the most popular style is him on top and me underneath thrashing and moaning around. He holds down my arms over my head and then leans forward and snuggles up into my armpit and at that point I make passionate "cuddle" noises. Both of us get lots of exercise and it beats paying big bucks at the gym. He is starting to develop his Abs which is kind of cute. Well finally here’s the problem. I got my telephone bill this week and there are literally several hundred long distance calls to someone called Frankie. The swinehund has been making long distance calls during our friend with benefits session. I’m as mad as hell!!! I’m of several minds!!! Should I break his knob during sex causing a hernia and claiming it was ecstasy passion??? Should I break his arm during snuggling and cuddling??? Finally, should I just be a lady, write it off to experience and ask him to pay the bill because there is no emotion during sex anyway??? Please advise!!! The telephone bill will be overdue next week!!!

Friday, March 11, 2005


What’s going to happen to me when I get really stupid ??? I think I have a solution. There is something called a RFID chip. RFID stands for Radio Frequency Identification. It holds all kinds of information. Since I won’t know who I am at that point I think I’ll change my name to Spot. Hell, maybe I can even have a built in cell phone since I’ll be hearing voices anyway. Maybe even a built in GPS which is a Global Positioning System. That way I’ll be a little speck on someone’s radar. Since cell phone rings are passé I think my cell phone should "ring" with the following verse: "See Spot Run, Run Spot Run". By the way if I’m speaking into my armpit I’m not crazy just stupid!!! Now what deodorant should I buy so I won’t pass out????

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Prisoner C124

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Maybe I’ll eat another houseplant. Yesterday my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet almost succeeded. Must try again at the top of the stairs. They are disgusting and vile oppressors. I vomited on their favorite chair...must try it on their bed. Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at night. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body. They only cooed. Hmmm…. not working according to plan. I’m finally aware of the depths of their depravity . For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning foamy chemical . What sick minds could invent such a liquid??? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. There was some sort of gathering they call "social". I was placed in solitary confinement through no fault of my own. Stale beer wafted through my nose. Loud noises assaulted my senses. Heard something derogatory about causing "allergies". I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is a Trusty. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be a snitch. I am certain he reports my every move. The metal room protects him. I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Someone’s Space

One of my thesis’s is that God just has to have a sense of humour but I’ve never found an adequate example. I’ve re-read my comment about a Black Hole being God’s Vacuum Cleaner and it hit me like a ton of bricks. At the back of The Black Hole is a White Hole which leads into another universe. The White Hole blows its’ contents into space. So to take it to a logical conclusion if the Black Hole is vacuuming up our waste then for a lack of a better word it is pooping our shit into someone else’s space.

Whose Ahead???

In one of my postings I advanced the theory that God, like us, isn’t interested in doing a lot of work. Therefore when he set up this universe he went for duplicates, simplicity, and a maintenance free structure which could evolve on its’ own. He / she also installed a vacuum cleaner system called a Black Hole. The first known person to recognize that God used a universal template for all the creatures on this earth was Charles Darwin who published a book called The Origin Of The Species. It showed that life on earth is constantly changing and only the fittest organisms survive. Somewhere along the line, Darwin made the following observation:
"We must acknowledge that man with all his noble qualities, with sympathy which feels for the most debased, with benevolence which extends not only to other men but to the humblest living creature, with his godlike intellect which has penetrated into the movements and constitution of the solar system still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin".
Sound mechanical??? Well how about this:
"We must acknowledge that Artificial Intelligent Machines with all their noble qualities, with sympathy which feels for the most debased, with benevolence which extends not only to other Artificial Intelligent Machines but to the humblest functioning machine, with their godlike intellect which has penetrated into the movements and constitution of the solar system - with all these exalted powers - An Artificial Intelligent Machine still bears in its' bodily frame the indelible stamp of its' lowly origin".
Evolution at its’ finest. Guess whose ahead in space exploration!!!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Really, Is That Yours????

Due to technical difficulties beyond my control there is a 99.99% probability that I will never have children. I won’t say 100% because I read somewhere that anything is possible providing you (pick your poison). For some unaccountable reason I’ve been hitting a lot of child rearing blogs written by people that seem to be getting their knickers in a knot over child rearing. It would seem to me that the reason for raising children is to prepare them for the future. The most important and often neglected aspect of child raising is while we concentrate on keeping them clean and well fed it has very little resemblance to reality in the business and social relationship world beyond the basics such as being "nice". By the way in passing the greatest put down is saying " He / she is nice!!" My child raising principles come from "The Why Bother ???" school of thought. My beliefs are rooted in the "Urchin Philosophy" of the 19th (1800's)century. Essentially let the little beasts do what they want, dress them in rags, expose them to dirt to increase their immunity and generally ignore them so they are well adjusted by the time they enter the business world, find lovers and do all those other fine things we tout as civilized behaviour.