Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Waste Not, Wasted, Wasted Life

Life is very confusing. When you’re young and impressionable, your mother tells you to waste not. This generally means to eat up whatever is in front of you or in other words clean up your plate. It usually is accompanied by a lecture from your mother on the fact that other parts of the world are starving. I don’t quite understand why cleaning up your plate helps the starving world now that I’m older and have time to think about it. I suppose it lessens your feeling of guilt in as much as you’re not letting food go to waste that the starving would never get to eat in the first place. It also makes your mother very happy which is good because you will eventually learn that when mother is unhappy everyone is unhappy!!! You grow older and develop your social skills. This part of your life is diametrically opposed to what you’ve been taught. To be socially acceptable in this new environment you have to get Wasted. This primarily involves stuffing your mouth with bilious liquids and food of dubious origin until you can barf an awe inspiring distance!! If you are lucky enough to have a girl friend her facial expressions are directly proportional to your barfing distance. That is one meaningful way of knowing if you are socially acceptable to your same gendered friends. It is also helpful socially to get together with your Best Buds and lie like hell to each other to the point that whatever you hold dear becomes "fact" (The Big Lie) in our lives. Later on when we become socially and economically obsolete we get together with our Best Buds, drink lots of beer when mixed with a lack of energy, coupled with a tendency to let it all hang out, and we’re mentally too old to care you find out that we are all liars, are stuck in the same boat, and nobody has any solutions!! On the old Bell curve the egotistical, immodest, flamboyant Wasters are at the top 1/6th of the old Bell Curve, the bottom 1/6th never clued in to the concept of Wasted and the middle 2/3rds of the Wasted muddled through as usual!!


city rocker said...

I love this.

Jane said...

Money, success, fame - glamour?

witty and thought provoking as usual.

geezer squeezer! said...

or,your mother could suffer from that disorder that makes her want to make her children fat?