Too Late

I woke up this morning with the horrible feeling that I was born too late and everything has already been said. Here’s some examples:

Inside every old lady is a younger lady. I often wonder what the hell happened between young and old !!!

Inside every woman lives a skinny woman crying to get out. I can only solve that problem by throwing cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and whatever age you happen to be at the moment.

I just discovered my eyebrows have dropped to my chin.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they deteriorate beyond repair.

A male gynecologist is not an asshole, but equivalent to an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with everyone to whom you owe money.

My second favorite chore is cleaning. My first favorite household chore is ironing. My favorite way of finding relief from both chores is hitting my head on the bottom of the top bunk bed until I faint.

Old age ain't no confidence builder.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woe-man usually does what man can’t do which is usually everything.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows and breaks the panes in the process.

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning.

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and to be safe I don’t dye my hair blonde.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.